Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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