just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
