I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
