I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
