well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
