"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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