I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
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