Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
