He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
