Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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