You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
