your parents love me but you hate me
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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