My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
