Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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