ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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