If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize