I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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