Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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