dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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