Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
