I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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