New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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