I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
