I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
