my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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