Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize