i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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