I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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