I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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