i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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