those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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