He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
