I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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