I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
