I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
