Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You are a genius and a whore.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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