I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
