Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize