dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
