Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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