I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
