i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
