Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
