If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
sex in a hospital.. check
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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