If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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