ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
