I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
