I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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