she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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