We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
