My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
