Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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