508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
