just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize