I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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