She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
