I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
