I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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