Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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