I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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