Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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